It's All About Love
CHAPTER 1
BETTER TOGETHER
(Oneness)
Genesis 2:21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall (first surgery) on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place.
Genesis 2:22 Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman (first woman), and He brought her to the man (first wedding).
Genesis 2:23 And Adam said: "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man."
Genesis 2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh (first marriage).
When you become married, you have to start thinking “WE” and not “me.”
It is only NATURAL for a person to be self-centered. And, Western Civilization, especially, encourages one to be selfish. But, mates can’t be selfish and have a successful marriage.
In the past, the men dominated the marriages and wanted their way all the time.
Those of us who are under God’s Word and his Spirit know that we have to CONSIDER one another. We can no longer be selfish. You have to consult and pray with your spouse before you make important decisions or do significant things.
For example, if you want to buy a car, you should consult and pray with your spouse. Otherwise, it would not be considerate or thoughtful or an expression of oneness.
Some couples have money together in a joint bank account. Some have separate bank accounts, and still, others have both kinds. There is no “one-size-fits-all” answer. BUT, one couple shared, “Before a spouse spends a lot of money, he/she should notify his/her spouse. Even though I earned the money, I now see it as joint property. We’re living in the same house, therefore we should have an agreement about what WE are going to do with what we have!”
It’s all about communication, especially when the issue is money. The right hand has to know what the left hand is doing. On this subject, another couple shared, “WE had to find a system that worked for us. Just having one pot and taking everything out of one pot, work for us. It’s an individual thing for each couple. We just worked on a big remodel of our home. WE couldn’t have done it without great communication and agreement.”
Another example is how WE discipline our children. We both may have different points of view. One mate’s parents may have been strict and the other mate’s parents may have been lenient. But WE have to come together, find a common point of agreement for the sake of the entire household.
In one sense, marriage is like a three-legged race. You can’t move forward as ME, but only now as WE. It may be a bit more challenging, especially at first, because you are used to walking alone. And once you are TIED to someone else, it takes some PRACTICE, to STEP TOGETHER in the SAME DIRECTION!
Better Than
Ecclesiastes 4:9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor.
Ecclesiastes 4:10 For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.
Ecclesiastes 4:11 Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be alone?
Ecclesiastes 4:12 Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Like french braids, each braid makes the hair stronger! We are talking about strength, and about the fact that ultimately, as we see in verse 12 above, there is an enemy to our unity! There is an evil one who doesn’t want us to be united because when we are united, we look like God—the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The devil is the author of division and a house divided against itself cannot stand (Matthew 12:25).
God (the Holy Spirit) is the THIRD CORD of strength of a Godly marriage!
Marriage was the first institution established by God. He designed it and established it. Therefore, God has to be the focal point of the marriage. Marriage will only work if it’s done God’s way, by the Word of God.
Those who would like to be married need to go through pre-marital counseling by the Word of God. People need to get married for more than just the lust of the flesh.
Remember, two are better than one, and three are better than two!
Get In Where You Fit In
(Division of Labor)
In a relationship, there are things that one mate does better than another. In order to put your best foot forward, it’s important to agree on who does what better, and then the whole relationship wins.
Once a couple buys a home, there are a lot of things to do. There are many duties. “My husband does the floor because mopping and vacuuming hurt my back,” said one spouse. On the other hand, one spouse may be better at paying the bills. Neither duty is more important than the other. One spouse may be better at gathering information, the other spouse may be better at making the final decision or paying for the deal.
“It’s about being the best helpmate we can be,” one wife offered.
We should never lose sight of the fact that a marriage is like a team. Each member –of the team has different skills and roles. It’s apples and oranges and one fruit not better than the other. If a basketball team is comprised of only shooters, and not rebounders, or assist-makers, they won’t win many games. T-E-A-M means: that together everyone achieves more.
Here are some sayings we should never forget:
- Teamwork makes the dream work
- Row in the same direction
- Complete don't compete
CHAPTER 2
TALK IT & WALK IT!
(Faith)
The Rules of The Game
Romans 1:17 For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, "THE JUST SHALL LIVE BY FAITH."
Hebrews 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that comes to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.
Although marriage is NOT a game, the point here is that everything you participate in has rules that govern your actions. The rules that govern the God-instituted relationship of marriage are found in the Word of God. We participants must follow those rules BY FAITH. The above Scriptures remind us that FAITH is not only a must to relate to God, but also, to relate effectively to and with one another.
In the game of basketball, you cannot take more than two steps without bouncing the ball. If you are on offense, you have to attempt to make a basket within twenty-four seconds. Also, you can’t block a shot that is on its downward slope into the basket—that’s called goal-tending. Lastly, you can’t hit (foul) another player and you can’t go outside the boundaries of the court while play is in session. When things get heated, you can, however, call “timeout!”
Governed by The Word
It’s interesting to see how some of these rules are analogous to marriage. In marriage, one is restricted on their travel. The twenty-four-second clock reminds us of the Scripture that says, “Don’t go to bed angry.” In other words, you have a time limit on shooting your shot of forgiveness. Also, don’t go out of bounds when it comes to playing fair in marriage. Don’t physically hurt or abuse another player or you will either get fouled out, or thrown out of the game, and you probably will be fined, and/or lose the game.
Faith has two components, belief and action. There is no faith without a corresponding act.
James 2:17 Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.
James 2:18 But someone will say, "You have faith, and I have works." Show me your faith without your works, and I will show you my faith by my works.
Yes, faith is an action, and so is LOVE! God so loved the world that he GAVE his only Son. If a marriage is to work, it has to have GOOD WORKS. No marriage can succeed by just lip service. For example, “I love you, baby,” but they don’t come home at night! As someone said, “Love should have brought you home last night!” Another songwriter once said,“You’re like a dull knife that ain’t cutting, you’re talkin’ loud and sayin’ nothin’! That was James Brown!
Learn the Word
2 Timothy 2:15 Study to show yourself approved to God, a worker that does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.
This Scripture tells us that we are to make sure we learn and know the Word for ourselves. It tells us that we are accountable to God for being a diligent student of his Word—the rules of the game.
In marriage, we should study and understand what the Word says about marriage and our respective roles in marriage. In Ephesians 5, the Word tells us that the husband and wife are like the relationship between Christ and the Church. The husband is the head and the wife is the helpmeet (helper), but it says that both should submit to one another, and love one another.
In Ephesians 5, the Word tells us that the husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved and sacrificed himself for the church, and the wives are to love their husbands as the church loves and submits to Christ.
The Word also says that we are to study one another and understand one tendencies and needs so that we can accommodate one another. (I Peter 3)
Trust the Word
2 Timothy 3:16 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness,
2 Timothy 3:17 that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.
This Scripture tells us that we have to trust what the Word says as “truth,” because God said it, He chose the men to write it, AND He BREATHED on them, ANOINTED them to write what He said! If we don’t believe this, then the Bible is just something that man wrote. ThisScripture is critical to the inerrancy of God’s written Word.
Unconditional Trust Is A Must!
We have to trust God’s Word even when it doesn’t feel right to us and doesn’t make sense.
If we have even the slightest doubt about the truth and inerrancy of God’s Word, then we give place to the devil and we can be tempted, and deceive and ultimately disobey God.
If we doubt, we have not faith. If we doubt God’s Word, we have no clear path by which to travel, no clear rules by which to govern ourselves. If we doubt God’s Word, then everything is relative and we ourselves become God.
For example, the Word tells us to NOT commit adultery. However, the world tells us that it’s not that serious; it’s not even a listed “crime.” The world tells us that everybody does it and it’s okay.
Talk The Word
Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.
Once we learn the Word, we need to speak it. Why? Because the Scripture says we will have what we say. In fact, Proverbs 18:21 says that words are like seeds, which bear fruit. If we speak death, we will bear the fruit of that seed. If we speak life, there will be life, love, joy, and peace in our marriages.
One spouse gave the example of having suffered through years in her house without an air conditioner. But, one year, she and her husband said, “We will not go another year without an air conditioner!” Now, they are loving the fruit of what they said—a new air conditioner.
Like our God, our words have creative and authoritative power! We can speak things into existence. That’s called prophesying! God always says what’s going to happen before it happens. The worst we can do in our marriages is to speak of division, defeat, and divorce. Those words should NOT come out of our mouths.
Someone may ask, “But are you lying and denying the facts when you speak peace, prosperity, and victory when your marriage has everything but that?” No, I’m speaking what I’m believing for and I’m declaring in the same way and authority of God that it shall come to pass. In other words, I’m speaking faith! Anyone can say what the situation is—that takes no faith. But to say what the situation can and will be is FAITH, and remember God REWARDS FAITH.
The Scriptures back up what we’re saying…
Say What You Want To See
Mark 11:22 And Jesus answering saith unto them, Have faith in God.
Mark 11:23 For truly I say unto you, That whoever shall say to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast into the sea'; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he says shall come to pass; he shall have whatever he says.
In verse 22 above, the phrase, “Have faith in God” is better translated, “Have the God-kind of faith” or “Have the faith of God!” So, from this, we can see that God speaks to “inanimate” things! Things we people would call you crazy to speak to mountains, trees, marriages. Most people only speak to things that can speak back to them. Apparently, God knows that EVERYTHING is impacted by HIS WORD.
Since we need to call those things that be not as though they were, we have to declare good over and about our spouse. One spouse said, “My spouse IS loving, caring, affectionate, romantic.” Another spouse said, “My spouse IS patient, kind, gentle, hard-working.” Another spouse said, “My spouse IS sensitive, giving, supportive, and caring.” And still another spouse said, “My spouse is attentive, considerate, respectful, helpful, funny, and resourceful.”
Call It In And Win
Everything we need from God already exists in Heaven, in the spirit realm. The Word, the rules of our Marriage Game, tells us to call it down and call it in.
Matthew 6:10 Your kingdom come. Your will be done in earth as it is in heaven.
Roman 4:17 God, who gives life to the dead and calls those things which do not exist as though they did;
James 4:2…Yet you do not have because you do not ask.
Give What You Want To Get
Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.
First of all, whatever you do will come back to you. God promised that you will always receive MORE than you give. One of the great challenges of marriage is when each spouse is waiting for the other one to LOVE FIRST, to GIVE FIRST, to SACRIFICE FIRST. One spouse said, “Both mates need love, both spouses need respect. No matter if you’re the husband or the wife, you will gain love and respect when you GIVE love and respect." However, one mate says, “When you start treating me better, then I will treat you better.” But, as we said above, we live by, according to, the Word of God, and the Word says, we should treat our spouses as Christ treats us, AND whatever we do, we do AS UNTO THE LORD. (Colossians 3:23)
This is a HIGHER CALLING! It’s supernatural! It’s sacrificial. Your spouse should be a beneficiary of your relationship with and submission to Christ. The key to marriage is that our first commitment is to God.
No matter how long you are married, there is something new to learn about your spouse and your marriage. Marriage is a living, growing organism that is growing and changing, week by week, month by month, and year by year.
Everyone’s marriage is different, is unique because of the different needs of the different parties to the marriage. The thing that should be consistent, the same, are the rules of the game. It’s not who’s right, but WHAT’S RIGHT- THE WORD OF GOD.
Walk Out The Word
Once we KNOW what is right, and TRUST what is right, and SAY what is right, we must do what is right, WALK OUT THE WORD, even when it doesn’t SEEM or FEEL right. Remember, the Word tells us…
2 Corinthians 5:7 For we walk by faith, not by sight.
If we walk according to the Word, come what may, WE WILL WIN!
CHAPTER 3
UPLINE, THEN CROSSLINE
(Love/Mercy/Grace)
The Cross’ Love
Everyone knows that God is love and that his love caused him to send his only Son Jesus into the world to pay for our sins with his death (John 3:16; I Corinthians 15:3). That’s the Gospel! The Gospel reveals the unconditional love of God the Father, but it also reveals the unconditional love of God the Son, Jesus Christ. Jesus willingly died on the Cross to pay for our sins though we were underserving sinners! (Romans 5:8) The love of the Father and the love of the Son is summed up at the Cross. The Father sacrificed his Son because He IS love and the Son willingly agreed to be sacrificed at the Cross because He chose to please the Father and to save us sinners.
So what does the Gospel have to do with marriage? Again, the Cross represents one’s upline love—a love directed at God, and also one’s crossline love—a love directed at one’s fellow man. The crossline love only works when the upline love works. The greater your love up and unto God the Father, the greater your love will be (crossline) to others. In other words, “Love is an intense desire to please the Father by doing something for the benefit of another.”
Magnify The Most High
Since your love for another is conditioned on your love for God, it is only logical to increase your love for God in order to have a better marriage. But, how can one do that? Well, it starts with you coming into a greater knowledge, understanding, and revelation of how much God loves you. The Bible says we love him because He first loved us (I John 4:19). It tells us, “But God, who is rich in mercy, for His great love with which He loved us (even when we were dead in sins) has made us alive together with Christ (by grace you are saved),”(Ephesians 2:4-5). We need to meditate on these and similar Scripture for revelation knowledge of God’s GREAT LOVE.
Your job, as an individual is to reflect on God’s mercy toward you and to magnify it. “O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together.” Psalm 34:3 In other words, get a greater revelation of just how flawed you were and just how much mercy God bestowed upon you when He adopted you and claimed you as his very own child through Christ.
The psalmist tells us to magnify the Lord. To magnify something doesn’t make the thing bigger, but it does make it bigger in your sight, in your mind. God is already infinite, but the question is how big is He in your mind? How big do you see his mercy in your life??? How well do you see how you daily fall short of his perfectness and how faithful He is in his forgiveness of you?
Love Them As He Loves You
In Matthew 22:37, when a lawyer asked Jesus what was the great commandment in the law, Jesus said to him, 'YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.'
Matthew 22:38 This is the first and greatest commandment.
Matthew 22:39 And the second is like it: 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.'
Matthew 22:40 On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
From this, Christians have gathered that we should love our neighbor the same way we love ourselves. That’s good because we can’t love another unless we love ourselves. That’s a good standard, BUT it is important to note that it was Jesus’ statement concerning the OLD TESTAMENT (THE LAW).
But, in John 13, we see Jesus institute the NEW TESTAMENT, and this time He states the greatest commandment a bit differently. He says, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another." John13:34 This is a higher standard! The point is that if you want to see your marriage succeed and be happy and blessed, you must love your spouse AS CHRIST HAS LOVED YOU! In other words, you must love them unconditionally, you must love them mercifully, and you must love them graciously.
Mercy and grace are the two parts of God’s agape (unconditional) love. Mercy is God not giving you the punishment you deserve, and grace is God giving you the favor you don’t deserve. Either way, this is the kind of love you should extend to your spouse. John 13:34 is a higher standard because the standard is CHRIST AND HIS LOVE. If Matthew 22 is the standard, to love your spouse as yourself, that will fail because some people don’t love themselves. Some of us are still working out love issues within ourselves. Such as, whether or not our parents loved us as they should have, or whether we have forgiven ourselves for some of the bad choices we made or bad things we’ve done. If you are the standard of love, then your spouse will get short-changed. You will give them only the measure of mercy or grace that you give yourself. But, if the standard is Christ, you will love them as He (Christ) has unconditionally loved you. Christ has forgiven you for every sin—past, present, and future—and you too should forgive your spouse for every trespass against you.
Apologize And Forgive
One spouse said who’s been married thirty-two years, “As you strive to love yourself as Christ has loved you, you become a more mature Christian and it becomes easier to forgive. I used to hold onto unforgiveness and then I realized it was just a waste of time. In the large scheme of things, life, and marriage are too short to waste time.
It’s so important to forgive because if you don’t, the Word says that God won’t forgive you (Matthew 6:14-15). We don’t want to have a strained relationship with God. The Bible says that if we don’t our prayers will be hindered. The Word always tells us to not let the sun go down on our wrath (Ephesians 4:26).
Some have wondered whether it is harder to apologize for personally causing an offense or to forgive another for causing an offense. One spouse said, “If someone has a real problem, I think apologizing may be the more difficult thing for them." Still, another spouse said, “I believe they are both equally humbling because many times it is very difficult to forgive another when you don’t think their apology is sincere or, when you believe that, as someone pointed out, they continue the same behavior.”
In the Bible, Peter asked Jesus, “How many times should we forgive?” Jesus said, “Seventy times seven.” This was meant to establish 490 as a literal number of maximum times one should forgive. Rather, it was a proverb to emphasize the point that you must not put a limit on the amount of times you forgive (Matthew 18:21-22).
One spouse admitted that he upsets his wife when he removes his food from the microwave before the time has expired and the microwave flashes. “I know that I have failed to reset the start screen, over and over. Thank God for his grace and my wife’s mercy!”Yes, we have to make sure that when our spouse forgives us, we strive to not repeat the actions that caused the offense in the first place.
Forgive And Forget
Another spouse said, “I like to forgive and forget it too because if you don’t forget it, then you really didn’t forgive it, and you just keep reliving the past.
But, can anyone really forget how their spouse has offended them, especially if the offense is a very devastating and hurtful breach of trust?
It is very hard to forget a grievous offense because when there is an argument, it comes back up. The enemy is truly involved in this. He’s against marriage because the oneness of marriage reflects God. But, when Christ is the standard, that is the way of escape (I Corinthians 10:13).
Jesus gave a parable about two debtors. One demanded mercy for his debt but didn’t give mercy to another who owed him money.
If we filter our relationship through anything but the Word, the door is open for the enemy—he is the accuser of the brethren and the one who comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John10:10). Many of us hold onto how we were raised, what our friends say, and what the world says. In essence, we either walk by the world or we walk by the Word. The Word tells us that while God has infinite intelligence and therefore an infinite mind and memory, instead of remembering our sins, He CHOOSE to remember our sins no more. (Isaiah 43:25; Hebrews 8:12). He throws them into the sea of forgetfulness (Micah 7:19). In essence, forgiving and forgetting is a choice! One can choose to FORGET by NOT speaking of the offense anymore. When you speak of the offense, you continue to resurrect it and give it life.
Cut Me Some Slack, Jack
So, both spouses are imperfect people and over the course of a lifetime of marriage will disappoint and offend each other. Each spouse may not do the same thing that causes an offense, but an offense is an offense. The husband may leave the toilet seat up and the wife may leave her makeup on the sink. One spouse may leave a light on, and the other may leave the TV on. Either way, we both need to walk in the spirit of Christ’s love. When we are offended, it should not be an opportunity for retribution or revenge.
1 Peter 3:8 Finally, all of you must live in harmony, be sympathetic, love as brothers, and be compassionate and humble.
1 Peter 3:9 Do not pay others back evil for evil or insult for insult. Instead, keep blessing them, because you were called to inherit a blessing.
One of the worst things we could do is to not inherit our blessing as Esau did. God has a wonderful plan for each of our lives and the greatest potential enemy to his great plan is ourselves, if we are disobedient.
Protect Respect
Respect is an essential ingredient to a successful marriage. Nothing causes a marriage to go sideways quickly disrespect! Respect is based on considering and honoring the value of another. If a spouse is not thoughtful of their mate, disrespect is soon to follow.
As one female stated, “It’s not just about how you feel about a situation, it’s about how your mate will feel or be affected by your words or actions in a given situation.”
We are innately selfish people, therefore, again, it is important to know and understand love. I Corinthians 13:5 tells us that love is NOT selfish; seeks not her own. This kind of love, God’s kind of love, is always having another’s best interest at heart. It entails studying your spouse to really understand and know your spouse—what they like, don’t like, and why.
1 Peter 3:7 In a similar way, you husbands must live with your wives in an understanding manner, as with a most delicate partner. Honor them as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing may interfere with you.
Love doesn’t demand respect, it commands respect by the way it conducts itself. If you respect God, and yourself, you’ll get respect from others. But, husbands won’t get respect by brow-beating their wives, but by loving them, laying down their lives for them.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself her,
Ephesians 5:27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.
Ephesians 5:28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.
… and wives won’t gain the respect of their husbands by nagging them.
Proverbs 21:9 It's better to live in a corner on the roof than to share a house with a contentious woman.
When it is all said and done, IF we focus on and perfect the upline with God, we’re going to enjoy the crossline with our spouse. So, carve out that time for God and his Word, and pray. Make your devotional life the head of your life and watch God bless your married life!
CHAPTER 4
EXPECT THE BEST
(Hope/Vision/Focus)
The spiritual definition of hope is “a confident expectation of a future good from God.”
Hope is all about what you expect—how you see a thing (in the spirit) before the thing manifests in the natural.
Live Positive
Our God is love and the Word of God says that, “love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things,” (I Corinthians 13:7). This verse shows us that God is a positive God. He believes a thing and it comes to past. And He has made us like him (Genesis 1:26). He decreed and declared that Adam and Eve would have dominion over the earth (Genesis 1:28). When He said these things, man and woman had not yet been formed (Genesis 2:8; 2:22). When Adam and Eve were created and made in the earth, they were made positive like their God.
In short, our God is positive. He has a positive mind, not a negative mind. He is good, he thinks good, and He speaks good. He expects us to do the same. This is called HOPE! The Bible says that hope does not disappoint (Romans 5:5). In other words, hope is a solid confidence in God that creates a firm expectation of him giving you a future good. We have to be unshakable in our belief that God has a good future for our marriage! When you stoodat that altar and said, “I will…for as long as we both shall live,” that was you being positive, hopeful, and full of the belief that your life would be good and your marriage would not only survive but thrive.
Choose Joy
At the wedding, you made your vows for life, but now it is important for you to make your declarations each day—at the beginning of your day. The Bible says, “Joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).” Also, Psalm 5:3 says that God shall hear our prayers and declarations in the morning.
Psalm 5:3 My voice You shall hear in the morning, O LORD; In the morning I will direct it to You, and I will look up.
So, each day, each morning, or whenever your day starts, start it out with a vow, a declaration that you’re going to have a joyful day! You and your spouse say it together! If you don’t choose what kind of day you’ll have, the devil, the world, or your flesh will choose it for you. Forget that old worldly phrase, “Sorry, but I got up out of the wrong side of the bed today.” Whether you sleep on the left or right side of your bed, you get out of the same side of the bed each morning. It’s not your physical position that dictates your day, it’s your spiritual and mental position. Did you get up on the right side of joy today is the question.
See What You Want To Be
Even before you hop out of bed, you need to make up your mind that it’s going to be a great day, and that you’re going to have a great day with your spouse because you understand that they are a gift from God. It hasn’t been that long ago that you can’t remember howmuch you prayed and hoped that God would send the right person for you—the person you could gladly spend the rest of your life with. Don’t let your life, your marriage become“hum-drum” with the spouse of your dreams. That’s what the devil wants. He wants you to take him or her for granted, and once that happens, arguments, conflicts, and all kinds of unnecessary drama follows. No, instead of thinking, “I’ve got to do this for my spouse today,” you say, “I get to do things for my God-given spouse today.”
Get a picture in your mind of you being kind to your spouse, not only when you want something, and not only when you’re young and frisky, but when you’re old and grey. Picture your faithfulness to each other and your friendship with each that will always allow you all to talk to each other about anything and help each other with anything.
Gratefulness Produces Greatness
The three most important words in a marriage are “I love you.” But, the two more important words in life are probably “Thank you.” Thanksgiving is the key to happiness in life and marriage. When you are thankful, you are joyful, and there is always something to be thankful about.
Instead of walking around “picking apart” your mate, their shortcomings and imperfections, constantly focusing on what you don’t like about them, have a paradigm shift and focus on the things you do like and appreciate about them. Remember the old 80-20 rule. Nobody has 100% of what you want and need. Instead of focusing on the 20% that your spouse doesn’t have, focus and praise the 80% that they do have. That APPRECIATION will go a long way.
Remember, you are teammates on the same team, not adversaries working against each other. And there’s nothing like you cheering on your teammate. Though they “dropped the ball,” pat them on the back and remind them that “we got this.” Remind them how much you appreciate them. This will pay great dividends for you both.
Just think about it, if you don’t cheer your spouse on, someone else will and that is an open door to emotional and eventually physical adultery. In some marriages, people have various excuses for not praising their mate. “Oh, she knows how I feel. She knew I was the strong and silent type when she met me.” Or, “I would compliment him, but he’s already got the big head, so, no!” These are lame excuses and deception from your enemy, the devil. Everyone needs a “Thank you,” a “Good job, baby!” and we need it constantly.
See The Good As You Should
Your marriage is one of the most important things you can ever invest in. Even more than the stock market. But as with any investment, you want to see a positive return on your investment over time. And just like with your 401(k), which should yield a good return overtime, nothing is guaranteed. No deposit, no return. You can’t expect a high yield when you’re putting nothing into the marriage. Therefore, instead of focusing on or talking about what your spouse doesn’t have or doesn’t do, the wise way to go is to focus on their good qualities. Start with one thing, and magnify that. For example, “My husband is a hard worker,” or “My husband is great with his hands.” He may not be the most romantic guy in the world, but start celebrating him on who he is and what he brings to the table.
The same is true for you husbands. Focus on your wife’s good qualities. She may not be the best cook but celebrate the fact that she’s a great organizer or saver of money. Perhaps her strong suit is how great she is with the kids.
One of the worst things one can ever do is exalt another spouse’s attributes over your own.“Oh honey, if only you were a nice dresser like John.” Or, “Dear, Sally is the greatest decorator ever!” Never exalt another spouse over your own. It’s okay to give another persontheir props, but in the same breath you should be celebrating something different thatyour spouse does well or, perhaps, how he or she does the same thing great, but in a different way.
Say What You Want to Be
If you don’t like the hand you’ve been dealt, then start speaking a new hand into existence. Have you ever played cards? Well, if you have, then you realize that sometimes you get abad hand. And, sometimes, you get another bad hand right after that one. It’s at this time when you need to start calling into yourself a good hand. This may be a loose analogy, butthe point is clear. God always says what will be before it is. He always calls in what He wants to be. Remember, at the beginning of “time,” He said light BE and there was light.
One spouse said, “This makes me think about a conversation I had with one of my close friends. We had been complaining a bit about our some of the imperfections of our spouses until we realized that this was not the will of God. So, we made a pact, a commitment that nothing but “positive words” came out of our mouths for 30 days. And we really saw amazing results. God revealed to us through this that the problems were actually 60% on us and 40% on our spouse. We also saw the power of speaking faith and hope over our marriages. Things really began to change for the better.”
Anyone can talk about what is. It takes a person of true faith and hope to say what is not, what they want to see and be. If someone is sick, it’s natural to walk around saying, “I’m sickand I’m hurting.” It’s supernatural in the face of sickness to say that I am healed.
In the same way, if a marriage is suffering from bad communication, bad attitudes, etc., it’s natural and common to go around complaining and talking about the problem. And supernatural, in the face of these problems, to speak faith and victory. For example, youmay feel that your spouse is not patient or kind, but by faith in Jesus’s name whenever youtalk about them, you say, “Yes, my patient and kind wife or husband,” and not say it sarcastically, but prophetically and sincerely. Speak it over them and call what you want into reality.
What Are You Lookin At (Focusing On)?
All of life is a matter of focus. So is the case with marriage. One spouse shared, “A photographer, when creating a scene, always determines what the focal point is. Everything else is relative to that focal point. The photographer also has control over the lens, which creates focus. You can draw in or draw out the subject. We can choose to focus on either the negative or positive area.
Philippians 4:8 says, Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. Yes, these are the things we are to focus on.
When we focus on the negative, on the dark areas, all we’re going to get from shot is darkness. We have to focus on the good with our natural or spiritual eye. This requires light.”
Ephesians 5:15 says, But all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is light.
Ephesians 5:14 Therefore He says: "Awake, you who sleep, Arise from the dead, And Christ will giveyou light."
Christ gives us his light through his Word…
Psalm 119:105 says, "Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path."
You can’t focus on good and evil at the same time. It’s one or the other. When Peter was walking on water, he was focused on Jesus. But, as soon as he redirected his attention tothe blustering wind and tempestuous waves, he began to sink.
So, in conclusion, let us:
1. Live Positive
2. Choose Joy
3. See And Say What You Want to Be
4. Stay Ever Thankful
5. Stay Focused On the Good
CHAPTER 5
DO YOU, BOO
(Forbearance)
Oneness And Difference
Oftentimes, one of the greatest criticisms we have of our spouses is that they don’t do things like we do. We’re critical not only because they’re different, but because they are the opposite of us. But, when we see the big picture, we realize that God ordained it that way on purpose. It is said, “opposites attract.” Another way of looking at it is that God has purposed for you to be with someone who is not like you so that they can complement you, not compete with you.
One spouse shared, "I am an early bird and my spouse is a night owl and we've had to learn to accept each other the way we are and to do things that allow each other to be who they are. As the early bird, I wake up chipper and I want to get up talking, but I respect my spouse and tip-toe around until she gets the sleep she needs, oh, and her morning coffee, before I engage her. On the other hand, she is such a night owl that she wants to strike up a conversation at 12 midnight. She has learned to give me 'a pass' and allow me to go to sleep on her time of 'conversational enthusiasm.' I go to sleep and she turns down the TV and puts on closed caption while I sleep."
We need to learn to allow ourselves to be different and yet be one. The husband may like to watch sports on TV, and the wife may like to watch a cooking show. Neither one should judge the other or try to make the other do only what they do. We should give each other space to increase in our respective interests. The great thing about this is that often times when this is done we find ourselves inevitably sharing in our spouse's interest over time.
One husband confided, “I used to not watch the cooking shows that my wife watched. But, over time, I kept peeking in on what she was watching and found it interesting. In the same way, she didn't really watch sports on her own, but because that's my thing, she started peeking at the games I was watching. Over time, she started asking me questions so she could understand what was going on. Now, it is not uncommon for her to watch the games with me.”
Another spouse shared, "Yes, I know what you mean. I like legal TV shows and my spouse likes medical TV dramas. Sometimes I watch her shows and sometimes she watches mine."
Space And Grace
Still, there are some things that spouses just do or pursue differently and that's okay. There are a lot of reasons for that: one's background, personality, and gender, or just the way they're wired in their individual uniqueness. The main thing is that you give your spouse the space and the grace to be who God made them to be. Just think about it, if we were all alike it would be a pretty dull world. If each of us was the same, somebody would be redundant and irrelevant. Our prayer should be for our spouse to become the best version of themselves they can be, and to be filled with joy and have that joy overflow to us and everyone around them.
Don't Forget The Limits
Of course, there are parameters to this "Do You, Boo" concept. Your spouse should feel free to be who they are and do what they need to do as long as it doesn't violate God's word or harm one's marriage. For example, one husband may say, "Honey, you know I like to gamble, and it's just a fun thing I do with the guys." Well, what seems like a fun outlet can quickly become a harmful addiction. When the rent or the mortgage is short because it was gambled away, it's no longer a "fun thing."
On the other hand, a wife may say, "Babe, you know shopping is my outlet; it's my thing and it really makes me happy!" Once again, it may be "your thing," but when there are no boundaries to "your thing," eventually the credit card bills come in and create undue stress in the marriage.
Some like to think that as long as I can afford it, what's the big deal? As long as it's not illegal, what can it hurt?
Nevertheless, the Bible says, "All things are lawful, but all things are not beneficial, and you should not come under the bondage of anything." (I Corinthians 6:12).
These days, just about everything is legal and available everywhere and at all times. Marijuana, gambling, pornography--you name it. You can order it online, and they'll deliver it to your device or your doorstep.
Since we are all creatures of habit, we need to ask ourselves, is this a good habit or a bad habit? But, the Bible says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked, who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9). We need to hear our spouse if they are telling us that the habits, and hobbies we have are not beneficial to them and to those looking up to them, e.g.your children and grandchildren.
None of us really likes it when our spouse corrects us, but the truth of the matter is we can't see ourselves. We can't see the broccoli stuck in our teeth, or the piece of lint in the back of our hair, but our spouse can. Even though you are doing you, Boo, remember that there is someone looking out for you even when you don't realize you're going the wrong way.
Proverbs 14:12 says, "There is a way that seems right to a man, but the end of that way is death."
Of course, the greatest examiner is the Holy Spirit. He will take everything we do and filter it through the Word. In other words, because the Holy Spirit is called the Spirit of Truth, Hewill always lead us into truth and He will always convict us when we err from the path of God's will and Word (John 16:13; Ephesians 4:30).
In our marriage, we are supposed to be our true authentic selves. That’s where we are supposed to have a true and real relationship with another human being that is different from any other. Why? Because the Bible says the two become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). Our marriage is also open and clearly visible to God. Therefore, once again, we can do things welike to do and have the kind of personality we like to have, but God wants to be tied up with us and our spouse in our marriage relationship. If He is not, the marriage will have some serious problems and may fail.
The Bible says, "A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. And a triple-braided cord is NOT easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
One of the biggest lies ever perpetrated on a person--married or single--is that what you do is only about you; that it's your thing and it doesn't affect or involve anyone else. Even if you're single, it's a lie because there is someone you love--a parent, a sibling, or a good friend--who is affected by the consequences of your bad choices. Of course, if you're married, that's a "no-brainer." Husband, whatever you do will eventually affect your wife, and wife, whatever you do will eventually affect your husband.
If you're the spouse that eats nothing but junk food, you might tell your mate, "Hey, I'm doin' me; I'm good." But, over time, unhealthy eating will catch up to you and can lead to all kinds of physical illnesses. Who is the person that has sworn before God to help you and care for you "in sickness and in health?" Yes, it's your spouse! So, when they get on you about your diet, your exercise, or you drinking too much coffee or energy drinks with no real-time of rest, they're not trying to control you, they're trying to protect you and preserve you.
Summary
In summation, each one of us is a unique individual and needs to express themselves in the way God has created them. As a spouse, our job is to appreciate the person God has given us as a mate. That person is a complement to who you are, though they may seem like your total opposite. Over time, each one of your differences will positively pour over into each other. They will expand each other and cause you both to grow in ways you would not have otherwise grown. So, let Boo doo as they do.
However, there are limits to your individuality and unique personality. Everything you do has to be filtered through the Word and Spirit of God. Being a Christian means you are accountable to God, and being married means you are accountable to your spouse because all our choices eventually affect each other.
CHAPTER 6
DISCUSS DON’T DEMEAN
(Communication)
Over the years, there have been many studies done about the challenges of marriage, and arguably the # 1 issue that married couples face is how to maintain effective communication.
Communication is defined as, "the imparting or exchanging of information." In other words,"sharing information."
That's a basic and direct definition, but the key to communication is not only what you share, but how you share it.
It's Communication, Not Competition
Unfortunately, in a marriage communication all too often becomes a competition. As couples discuss matters, invariable questions or issues arise. These questions can range from the important to the trivial. Nevertheless, each spouse has an opinion or an answer to the question at hand. Before they know it, they dig into their position so strongly that the discussion becomes a betting match or an argument as to who is right.
One husband said, "Yes, you're right. I am a naturally competitive person and a stickler for the truth. When my wife and I talk and she misstates a fact, I just have to correct her, no matter what."
The wife responded, "Yeah, he thinks he's always right, but he's not. I know some things too and, besides, my opinion is just as important as his."
There is an old marital saying, "Happy wife, happy life." A new version says, "Happy spouse, happy house." Another way of thinking about it is, "I'd rather be happy than right."
When you really get down to it, what is more important, winning an argument or winning your spouse's love? Proving your point at all costs or keeping the peace at all costs? There is nothing in the Bible that encourages us to prove our point at all costs, but the Bible does say, "Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God” (Matthew 5:9). In other words, peace doesn't just come naturally, you have to make a conscious decision and effort to MAKE peace happen.
Put Your Pride Aside
This goes right back to upholding the basic element of a successful marriage--humility. Since the greatest problem a person has and the greatest barrier between people is PRIDE, the greatest solution is HUMILITY!
Everyone has pride, even the person who thinks they're humble. It's like the person who says, "I'm very humble and I'm proud of it!"
Because each of us will be fighting our flesh until the day our spirits leave this sinful flesh, after the glow of the wedding and the honeymoon wears off, the pride of each spouse rear sits ugly head--reality sets in--and we forget we're on the same team and start acting like opponents. Couples, please remember, you're on the same team, so don't demean! Don't envy, compete with, or try to win against your spouse. You're on the same team!
Teamwork Makes The Dream Work!
Teammates strive to support, encourage, and empower one another because the goal is for the entire team to win.
If you have children, again, it's not about who's the better parent or who the children love more. It's about how you both can do your part to ensure that the team wins.
Just think about any team--every member of the team has his/her role to play and each person's role or contribution is important. After watching football for years, I find it so interesting that the guys that really make the difference in the game aren't the ones whose names most people know or remember.
For example, unless you're their relative, friend, or a real football fan, you probably don't know the names of your favorite team’s offensive line. But without those offensive linemen, the center, the guards, the tackles, the quarterback, no matter how talented he is, would be nothing. That's why the smart quarterbacks always buy their offensive linemen expensive jewelry and treat them to the most expensive vacations and dinners. Oh, and let's not talk about the littlest guy on the whole team--the kicker. His uniform rarely gets dirty and sometimes he doesn't play the whole game. But, at the end of the game, when the game's on the line, it's his one kick that decides whether or not his team wins. Who do you want making that kick, someone who you always argue with and belittle or someone who you make feel valued and respected?
See Something Say Something
Nevertheless, having effective, humble communication doesn't mean that we never confront issues. On the contrary, if we never confront issues, they will only persist and later become almost impossible to deal with. The point is that we confront issues without being confrontational. We must address concerns and problems in our marriages if we expect our marriage to grow and get better. In other words, don't "sweep things under the rug." Rather, identify that there's a lot of dirt under that rug or on that floor, and let's work together to clean it up. In other words, find the right time to address the problem, talk it out, then walk it out.
Timing Is Everything
Just as it is important to know how to say something, it's important to know when to say something. Sometimes we see a problem and we want to address it in the middle of our stress--Monday morning rushing out to work or trying to get the kids fed and off to bed. No, no, no. Whatever the problem is, there is a proper way and time to address it. First of all, it's good to set a family meeting time to address recent concerns. This means that you set aside time to sit at the table or in bed and PRAY before you discuss matters. You should even give yourselves time to have your concerns written down, either before the meeting or right after the prayer that starts the meeting. Give each other a chance to go down their list.
You may choose to respond to your spouse's concerns, item by item, or only after their list has been fully read, but in either event, don't talk over your spouse. Let them get out what they have to say and while they're saying it, learn to be a good listener. Being a good listener means to really hear what they're saying. Try to see things from their perspective without just focusing on how you see it or feel about it. Also, when it is your time to respond to what they have addressed, don't be argumentative or retaliatory. Remember, you are trying to RESOLVE issues, not create new ones.
Bottom line, whatever you discuss, speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:16). Let love aboundin all its beautiful fruit: joy, peace, patience, gentleness...(Galatians 5:22; Philippians 1:10).
The Bible says that love is patient and kind and is not self-centered. Each spouse should read and meditate on I Corinthians 13. Look particularly at verses 4-8. Once you read those verses in 3 to 4 translations, this is, in essence, what you get:
Love is patient, kind, not jealous, not prideful, not selfish, not disrespectful, not easily provoked, but easy to forgive and forget. THAT'S THE RECIPE FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE!
It's Takes Two To Argue
Because in our flesh dwells no good thing (Romans 7:18), it is so easy for a "discussion" to turn into a debate and a debate to turn into a full-blown argument. It's like a tiny spark that gives way to a huge forest fire. Therefore, whenever we sense things heating up, it's time to press the pause button; it's time to douse the pending fire with water. At the end of the day, it's all about maintaining your spirit, and keeping your peace, which allows you to discuss things with your spouse in the right way, with the right spirit. This will always get you the results you need.
One spouse said, "I have learned a lot from Galatians, chapter 5. It tells us that the Spirit and the flesh are fighting against each other all the time. But, it says, if I walk in the Spirit, I won't produce the works of the flesh, like strife, anger, division, and hatred. When my spouse starts to get loud or upset with me, I have learned not to go there with them. I start singing what the Scripture says: 'I'm gonna walk in the Spirit, I'm gonna walk in the Spirit, I'm gonna walk in the Spirit and not fulfill the lust of the flesh."
Another spouse offered, "When my spouse starts to talk louder, I get quieter--not because I'm intimidated or afraid. But, because I realize that it takes one to start a fight, but two to keep it going."
So, stay in the Spirit, couples, and you won't be in the flesh!
Celebrate And Elevate
Yes, there is a right way to have effective communication and one of those ways has to do with the type of things that come out of your mouth. The Bible says we should not have ANY corrupt or negative communication to come out of our mouths. Yes, that is a HIGH STANDARD to uphold, but it is God’s standard. It further states that we are to only speak those things that build up and bring grace to the hearer (Ephesians 4:29; Colossians 4:6). In essence, policing our mouths starts with policing our thoughts and that is a full-time job, but oh how it is worth it!
2 Corinthians 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;
2 Corinthians 10:6 And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.
Effective communication, therefore, starts in the heart and the mind. For, “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34). We must all learn to take control of our thoughts. Sometimes, we are so quick to jump to conclusions. We assume what our spouse is thinking or what they're going to say or do. We shouldn't do that. Instead of believing the worst, try believing the best. That's what I Corinthians, the Love Chapter, says.
1 Corinthians 13:7 states, “Love quietly bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
One of the biggest assumptions a spouse may make is, "They're cheating on me!" This is serious and dangerous ground. This is not to say that some people don't cheat or try to cheat, but the point here is that you should make sure that you don't jump to such an assumption because of your own mental and emotional insecurities. Once again, if there are things that your spouse is not doing to make you feel secure, you should communicate those things in the proper way and at the proper time. But false accusations, nagging, and false assumptions that lead you to treat your spouse harshly because you suspect cheating is a dangerous path to tread.
The strongest form of communication is actually non-verbal communication. Therefore, over the years, couples learn to watch each other's body language to detect communication cues. Sometimes those cues are true, but other times they can be misread. One spouse can look at their mate and see that they are not talking, and believe that they are mad about a particular thing that just occurred. In actuality, they just may be in deep thought about something entirely different.
Share But Don't Compare
Being a couple means you have issues in common with other couples and you may tend to find solace by sharing your concerns, fears, failures, and successes with them. However, please remember, that every marriage is as unique as the parties in it, though we all have the same Marriage Manual by which to live (the Bible). The point here is that you should be careful not to fall prey to comparing or conforming yourself to someone else's marriage. Yes, there are good things you can take from other couples. One husband may learn how to be more kind because another husband tells him how he always opens the door for his wife and makes her coffee in the morning. One wife may tell another wife how she faithfully makes dinner for her husband every night and how she takes his clothes to the cleaners.
One husband shared, "In my marriage, my wife pays all the bills."
However, one wife shared, "In my marriage, my husband always pays the bills."
Each couple has to know what works best for them.
Say What You Want To See
Ultimately, it is important to know that your words have creative and authoritative power. Death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). What you say is what you get. So, say what you want to see instead of just what you do see. Say what you want to be and it will be. The Bible calls this prophecy. Speak those things that don't presently exist into existence. This works when what you are speaking is in agreement with the Word of God. Say that your spouse is godly and good to and for you. Say that your marriage is blessedbecause your communication is good and effective. Prophesy it and watch God work! Say that your wife is your queen and your glory. Say that your husband is your king and your covering. Say it and see it come to pass!
CHAPTER 7
THE LONG RUN
(Methodology)
Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s a journey, not a destination.
Instead of stressing over the destination, learn to enjoy the journey.
Here are some things you can do over the long run to keep your marriage happy and successful:
Since the Word, in Galatians 5, tells us that we struggle daily between the Spirit and the flesh, our focus must, by all means, be on how to abound in the Spirit, and not fulfill theworks of the flesh.
Galatians 5:16 I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.
Galatians 5:17 For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.
Galatians 5:22-23 says the fruit of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, meekness, and temperance. The Fruit of the Spirit IS LOVE, further expressed in the fruit of joy, peace, patience, etc. In other words, since “love” is unconditional and internal, so are the other eight fruit of the Spirit.
Don’t Run Out of Fun (Joy)
Joy is gladness. Like love, it is internal, eternal and unconditional. Joy is internal gladness despite the external madness. You shouldn’t let the conditions outside you squeeze the joyout of you.
The Apostle Paul was locked in a Roman prison when he wrote the book of Philippians –thejoy book. The words “joy” or “rejoice” are found 16 times in that book.
Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!
Don’t Worry About Anything (Peace)
Peace is internal serenity despite the external adversity. Once again, you shouldn’t let the worries in the world weigh you down and steal your peace. You do this by paying more attention to what God said in his Word than what you see in the world.
Philippians 4:6 Be anxious for nothing [don’t worry about anything], but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;
Philippians 4:7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Remember God would not have told us to rejoice or to not worry about anything if He didn’t give us the ability to do it through His Word and his Spirit. We can do this!
Wait And Become Great (Patience)
Patience is another unconditional fruit of the Spirit. It doesn’t matter how long something takes to happen or how much we have to forbear someone’s imperfections or faults, God has given us the ability to either refocus our minds on something else or change the way we think about what we are dealing with. Either way, we have the ability to suffer long—all the way to the very end if need be.
Isaiah 40:31 says, "But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint." If we have to wait, to be patient, the right way to do it is to wait on the Lord, not on the person or the thing. God will always be true to his word so He is worth the wait. Our patience is at its best when it is rooted and grounded in hope—a confident expectation of future good because of God’s promises.
Marriage is like a classic, long melodrama. Before you get to the end of the movie, there aremany twists and turns. But, no matter how tough things seem or get to be, hold onto hope. Stay patient! God’s mercies are new every morning and the God promised that your life would have a flourishing finish.
For I know the plans I have for you. Plans of good and not of evil; to give you a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).
Stay hopeful, the best truly is yet to come.
Kindness is Mindfulness (Kindness)
Just as love is unselfish, so is kindness. It is always looking for ways to do good to others.The secret to kindness is mindfulness. In other words, a kind heart is a considerate heart. Kindness thinks constantly about how it can be a blessing to others and not how they havenot been a blessing to them. So spouses, study your mate, find out what they like and don’tlike and once you do, take the initiative to bless them with acts of kindness. Not somethingyou do to have your mate bless you in return, but something you do expecting nothing in return. Something you do regardless of how they may have been unthoughtful of you. Youracts of kindness may not have been done to receive kindness in return, but a return of kindness will invariably come back to you.
It’s Tight But It’s Right (Goodness)
Another key to a long, success marriage is a good attitude. Remember, your attitude in anything is everything. When bad things happen, keep a good attitude. Life is not aboutwhat happens to you, but how you respond to what happens to you. Continuing to think theright things and say the right things when the wrong things are happening is not natural! No,it’s supernatural! No matter how dark and deserted you may feel, say no to your feelings and yes to the Word. Remember, we walk by faith and not by sight or feelings. The Christian has learned to do the right thing even when others don’t (Rom 12:17, 21).
How You Say What You Say (Gentleness)
Since effective communication is one of the keys to a good relationship, let us make sure that we are not just focusing on what we say, but HOW we say it. As the Word say, a softanswer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1).
Proverbs also tells us that a pleasant word spoken at the right time is as sweet as honey and like medicine to the soul (Proverbs 16:32).
A Good Witness Is Consistent (Faithfulness)
Of course, the whole point to this last chapter is consistency. Throughout our lives, we married couples have to keep reflecting on the fruit of the Spirit so that we can walk in them faithfully.
The Word says, “Your Word have I hid in my heart that I may not sin against You” (Psalm119:11).
Don't Rumble, Be Humble (Meekness)
Some people think that the only way to be heard is to shout and roar. But, the Word of God tells us differently. It tells us to stay humble, even when we are passionate about what we believe or what we are willing to fight for. Since our greatest sin is pride, humility (meekness) is the anecdote for pride. As we have stated previously, if you want to have a happy marriage, you have to resolve that you do not have to always be right or have the last word in a discussion. Meekness is defined as power under control. As previously stated, the person who can control their emotions is greater than the strongest weightlifter!
Self-Control Keeps You Whole (Temperance)
And speaking of self-control, temperance is the very definition of it. The difference between meekness and temperance and is that meekness deals with you controlling your words,emotions, and behavior as it relates to another. However, temperance involves youcontrolling yourself as to yourself; controlling your fleshly desires, for example, for food, drink, and sex.
A lack of temperance is the reason that the Weight Loss Industry is a multi-billion dollar industry. People are generally lacking self-control in their eating. This is another good reason for practicing fasting. First, of course, is to honor God. However, the other reason isto practice putting your flesh under control. The Word of God says that your flesh is no good and corrupt (Romans 7:18), and is always going to want what it wants. Therefore, I Corinthians 9:27 tells us to practice keeping our bodies under subjection to our mind, our will.
Finally, here are some other things you can do over the long run to keep your marriage happy and successful:
LIFELONG CHECKLIST
- Read God’s Word every day.
- Pray every day, and together as a couple.
- Keep people out your marriage; authorized personnel only.
- Don't just survive, thrive. Plan date nights and explore new things together.
- Be ever adaptable and teachable. There’s always something new to learn about God and your spouse.
- Don’t magnify the problems, magnify the promises of God.
Remember, couples, all of life is a matter of focus! In order for your marriage to stay successful you have to focus, pay time and attention to it. So, use this Marriage Book as a lifelong tool to stay focused on the right way to do marriage. Marriage is the first institution that God created, and it works great if you do it God’s way. Done the right way, marriage can be the greatest experience two people can have in this life on this earth. But, done the wrong may, it can be the greatest nightmare two people could ever experience. You owe itto yourselves and, if you have children, to your entire family, to have a happy and successful marriage. It is doable, it is possible, it is yours for the taking.
Make it a habit to go through this book with your spouse periodically throughout your life. Start your own married couples group and use this book as a manual for happy, successful marriages. Share this book with other couples as a gift in order to bless them. The great thing about this book is that every chapter and page is based on the Word of God, so you it is THE TRUTH. No, it’s not your truth or your spouse’s truth, it is THE TRUTH. Truth is always true and need only be embraced in any time, situation, or season in life.
We decree and declare that with the help of this book, YOU WILL have a happy and successful marriage. As the Word says, “With long life will I satisfy you, and show you my salvation.” Love and blessings to you always in Jesus’ name!